Chuck's Blog

OUR LIGHTER SIDE 2/3/2012

Limerick

Martha Stewart’s Tips For Rednecks

Spread’em

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A WORLD GONE CRAZY
The story begins with a retired member of a highly specialized, very small elite government tactical organization, which specialized in altering governments and national economies by crippling or death to inactivate organization leaders. Members used nothing more than common, readily available materials and rarely, imported biologicals, to achieve their goals while posed as innocuous individuals on various trade missions.

Click to purchase A WORLD GONE CRAZY
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Limerick

There was a girl named Aamor

who liked living near the harbor

She liked roaming the docks

looking for large cocks

that could knock her out of

her socks
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Please tell your friends about Chuck’s blog and OLS
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Martha Stewart’s Etiquette Tips for Rednecks

BASIC TIPS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion – especially if it’s your own.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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Spread’em

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DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this newsletter. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.

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Adult Humor
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Thanks for reading OLS and Chuck’s blog.

Please tell your friends about OLS!

Send them this address http://www.ourlighterside.com

Please send jokes and stuff to: ols@ourlighterside.com

Thanks,

Chuck
Birmingham, Alabama

OUR LIGHTER SIDE 2/2/2012

Cruise Italian style

Private Jones’ mother died

The real reason for the disaster from the Costa Concordia

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A WORLD GONE CRAZY
The story begins with a retired member of a highly specialized, very small elite government tactical organization, which specialized in altering governments and national economies by crippling or death to inactivate organization leaders. Members used nothing more than common, readily available materials and rarely, imported biologicals, to achieve their goals while posed as innocuous individuals on various trade missions.

Click to purchase A WORLD GONE CRAZY
________________________

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?
On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?
Leeks.

What’s the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
Follow the captain.

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied “off course.”

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.
That’s more than can be said for his ship.

I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises.
Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi’s last hooker.

What’s the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing – The bottoms dropped out of both.

Where are old prostitutes sent?
To the Virgin Islands to be recycled.
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Please tell your friends about Chuck’s blog and OLS
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The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.

Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private

McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.”

“Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

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The real reason forthe disaster from the Costa Concordia

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DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this newsletter. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.

—————
Adult Humor
—————

Thanks for reading OLS and Chuck’s blog.

Please tell your friends about OLS!

Send them this address http://www.ourlighterside.com

Please send jokes and stuff to: ols@ourlighterside.com

Thanks,

Chuck
Birmingham, Alabama

OUR LIGHTER SIDE 2/1/2012

Joke with a moral…

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue …

2012 tax Refund!
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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 1/31/2012

I am so tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.

I am not only getting it on with my girlfriend, but her twin as well.

Lexiphiles

No eye contact …ever!
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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 1/30/2012

Brain Study….

If you are over 60 yrs. old you MUST take this Alzheimer’s Test

Breast Feeding in Public
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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 1/27/2012

You are on a horse…

There is less than a year until the election…

Rehab for your neck!
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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 1/26/2012

Michigan Hunting Laws

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms….

Breast Feeding in Public

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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 1/25/2012

Clearly old Butch was a Democrat

Never Assume

How to sell shirts!
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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 1/24/2012

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

Timely Quote

Golf Ball hitting steel at 150 mph.
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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 1/23/2012

Cross breed Dogs:

The Classmate

Honesty
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