Obama is a Post Turtle

Written by chuck on July 30, 2014 – 11:37 am -

post turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, you know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle”.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”


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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

Written by chuck on July 30, 2014 – 9:05 am -


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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“What are you doing?”
She asked.

“Hunting Flies”
He responded.

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“Oh. ! Killing any?”
She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

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Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”

He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
***************************************
CHECK THIS OUT FRIENDS!

Click here:The Great Pretender

The Platters Little did the Platters know in 1955 that this song would be so popular – and so appropriate – in 2014, 59 years later.


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I Love the English Language

Written by chuck on July 29, 2014 – 11:06 am -

Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?

Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”?

And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

:biggrin :D :biggrin :D

How weird is that?


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My first drink with my daughter

Written by chuck on July 28, 2014 – 2:45 pm -

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughter’s, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Moosehead. She didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got her a Keith’s, She didn’t like it, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.


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I need a push!

Written by chuck on July 26, 2014 – 8:00 am -

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is 3:00 AM in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3 AM in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! You have to help drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk..


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Vacation Complaints

Written by chuck on July 26, 2014 – 7:00 am -

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS”FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
(Sounds like there might have been a Brit or 2 among the customers)

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or
ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the
afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this
should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the
price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to
our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very
distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were
scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen,
there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
they were all Spanish.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide
book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of
many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the
Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’
three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee
hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The
receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there
would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no
air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we
were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want
to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have
happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

BE AWARE …. THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!!


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What is politics?

Written by chuck on July 25, 2014 – 12:26 pm -

A little boy went to his dad and said, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it.

I am the head of the family, so call me the “Speaker of the House” Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the “Congress.”

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the “people.”

The nanny, we will consider her the “Working Class.” And your baby brother we will make him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

The little boy went off to bed thinking what Dad had said, later that night he heard his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that his baby brother has a dirty diaper.

He goes to his parents room and finds his Mother sound asleep. Not wanting to awake her, he goes to the nanny’s room, finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with
the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning he says to his Father, “Dad I think I understand politics a lot better now.”

The Father says, “Good Son,” tell me what you think politics is all about.”

The young boy replies, “The Speaker of the House is screwing the “Working Class” while Congress is sleeping. The people are being ignored and the “Future is in Deep Shit.”


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A guy enters a Roman Catholic Church confessional booth in D.C.

Written by chuck on July 25, 2014 – 8:03 am -

A guy enters a Roman Catholic Church confessional booth in D.C.

           He tells the Priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last
           night, I beat the hell out of an Obama Supporter.”

           The Priest responds, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins,
           not to discuss your community service.”


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Loving relationship with your husband!

Written by chuck on July 25, 2014 – 7:00 am -

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??


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WOMEN ARE UNIQUE ….

Written by chuck on July 24, 2014 – 4:59 pm -

Husband’s Text Message:

Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They have been doing tests and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head was very hard, but fortunately it seems that it didn’t
cause any brain injury. But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture
in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s Response:

Who’s Paula?


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