Make Ice Cream Going Down the Road !

Written by chuck on July 6, 2014 – 11:23 am -

:D :? :biggrin :D

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How did this crap happen?

Written by chuck on July 6, 2014 – 11:18 am -

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Men are the same at any age!

Written by chuck on July 6, 2014 – 10:55 am -

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ANOTHER CHAPTER OF “THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!”

Written by chuck on July 3, 2014 – 3:00 pm -

Actual call center conversations!

Customer:     ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through;

                       can you help?’
Operator:       ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer:     ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator:       ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

———————————————————————-

Samsung Electronics

Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking  about.’
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states  that?
                   I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
                   telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give  me the
                   number for Jack?’
Operator:      ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

———————————————————————-

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:         ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
                     traveling in Australia ?’
Operator:     ‘Does the policy name give you a clue?’

———————————————————————-

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England, do I
have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

———————————————————————-

Directory Enquiries

Caller:  ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the  spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’  fell off.’

———————————————————————-

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:             ‘Yes.. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland ….’

———————————————————————-

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up
the window to write the number on.’

———————————————————————-

Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer:             ‘OK.’
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No.’
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?’
Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’, so I got a
                              Sharpie and wrote ‘click’ on my desktop. Didn’t change anything!’

———————————————————————-

Tech Support:      ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen,  can  you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:             ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

———————————————————————-

Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized  that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’


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Russian Tampax Commercial

Written by chuck on June 30, 2014 – 6:33 pm -


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How-To Install a Ceiling Fan With Savannah

Written by chuck on June 30, 2014 – 4:18 pm -

Upgrading to a new ceiling fan can not only make your room look a lot nicer but it will help save you money on your electricity bill. Follow Savannah through the steps on installing a ceiling fan yourself.


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They Walk Among Us

Written by chuck on June 30, 2014 – 7:00 am -

They Walk Among Us(and live)
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made
a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me
she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned
the money again. I gave her the Money back… same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over
at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free.” “They’re
already buy-one-get-one-free,” she said, “so I guess they’re
both free.” She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the
door.

They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when
one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked
up at the sky and said, “Where”?

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want
the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun
rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises
in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,
“Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.”

They Walk Among Us!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”

They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,”
she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”

They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.”


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I Like This Cat

Written by chuck on June 30, 2014 – 5:00 am -

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Should this guy have been fired?

Written by chuck on June 29, 2014 – 10:00 pm -

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

From the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller:              ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect …’

Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble?’

Caller:              ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator:         ‘Went away?’

Caller:              ‘They disappeared’

Operator:         ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller:              ‘Nothing.’

Operator:         ‘Nothing??’

Caller:              ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller:              ‘How do I tell?’

Operator:        ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’

Caller:              ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller:              ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept
anything I type.’

Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?’

Caller:              ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                        Does it have a little light that tells you  when it’s on?’

Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’

Operator:          ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
                         the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?’

Caller:              ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall..

Caller:              ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
                        there were two cables plugged into the back  of it, not just one?’

Caller:               ‘No.’

Operator:          ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’

Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator:          ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator:          ‘OK. Well, can you *see* if it is?’

Caller:               ‘No…’

Operator:          ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?’

Caller:               ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator:          ‘Dark?’

Caller:               ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.’

Operator:          ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller:               ‘I can’t..’

Operator:          ‘No? Why not?’

Caller:              ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power …. A *power failure*? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’

Operator:    Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’

Caller:                ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator:           ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller:                ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator:           ‘Tell them you’re too damned stupid to own a computer!’


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One-liners from Rodney Dangerfield

Written by chuck on June 29, 2014 – 6:55 pm -

Some of you may remember Rodney Dangerfield, a comedian who specialized in one-liners. Here are a few of his comments:

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield and his self deprecating humor.

He said…

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlour.. It was self-service. .

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.


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