I just need a crib for my baby.

Written by chuck on September 4, 2014 – 10:05 am -

crib for baby

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World’s Shortest Books

Written by chuck on September 3, 2014 – 4:41 pm -

These books hold the world record for the shortest stories, and you must have a pretty good long term memory and be well informed to fully appreciate the humor. Just remember some of these are very, very short books.

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”
______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson &  Casey Anthony
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
_________
MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
___________________________________________________
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
And the shortest book of them all…………………..
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama


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What deep thinkers men are…

Written by chuck on September 3, 2014 – 12:47 pm -

time for another beer

What deep thinkers men are…

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. Time for another beer.


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English Lesson

Written by chuck on September 3, 2014 – 12:00 pm -

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


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Funny Stuff

Written by chuck on September 3, 2014 – 8:44 am -

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Why we need a camera

Written by chuck on September 1, 2014 – 2:01 pm -

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I met an older woman at a bar last night.

Written by chuck on August 30, 2014 – 11:35 am -

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like,

I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, tonight’s you’re lucky night.’

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake?


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Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Valdimir Putin all die and go to hell

Written by chuck on August 30, 2014 – 7:22 am -

Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Valdimir Putin all die and go to hell, While there they spy a red phone and ask what the phone was for.

The Devil tells them its for calling back to earth. Putin ask the devil to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 1 million dollars, So Putin writes him a check.

Next Castro calls Cuba and talks for 30 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that his bill is 6 million dollars, So Castro writes him a check.

Finally Bill Clinton gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the Devil informed him there was no charge for the call and he could call the USA anytime.

When Putin and Castro hear this they go ballistic and ask the Devil why Clinton got to call the USA for free. The Devil replied ” Since Obama became President of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so its a local call”.


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4 “G” Rated Jokes & Funny Video

Written by chuck on August 29, 2014 – 8:55 am -

Well, the last joke could be rated PG! :biggrin

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner at 5:30pm, unannounced, after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”

“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

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THE IRS INQUIRY

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

arrows3_Down_swirl_ani1013

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s you’re lucky night.’ We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake?

arrows3_Down_swirl_ani1013

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

arrows3_Down_swirl_ani1013

Canadian Police Chase


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Free cats with every mortgage!

Written by chuck on August 27, 2014 – 1:22 pm -

A Russian bank has come up with an unusual strategy to get clients to buy their mortgage products: they’re throwing in a cat with each purchase.

Sberbank, one of the country’s largest banks, lets its clients choose from one of 10 breeds of feline that will be delivered to their new home in time for the housewarming party.

The bad news for customers (but the good news for the cats) is that they won’t be able to keep the animals, which are only intended to enter the property before the owner – a Russian symbol of good luck.

Read more with photos


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