Difference Between the North and the South . . .

Written by chuck on June 4, 2014 – 7:27 am -

The difference between the North and the South – at last, clearly explained…..

The North has Bloomingdale’s,

the South has Dollar General .

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services,
the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives;
the South has .45′s

The North has double last names;
the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races;
The South has stock car races .

North has Cream of Wheat ,
the South has grits.

The North has green salads,
the South has collard greens .

The North has lobsters,
the South has crawfish .

The North has the rust belt;
the South has the Bible Belt ..

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . ..

In the South : –

If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.

Don’t try to help them,

just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for fun.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store….

Do not buy food at this store.

Remember,

‘Y’all’ is singular,

‘all y’all’ is plural,

and

‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive

Get used to hearing

‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’

Save all manner of bacon grease.

You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying.

They can’t understand you either..

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective

‘big’ol,’ truck or

‘big’ol’ boy.

Most Northerners begin their

Southern-influenced dialect this way.

All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that ‘He needed killin..’
is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim,
‘Hey, y’all watch this,’ you should stay out of the way.

These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.

It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not.
You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that
10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim and shoot.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners..

After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain’t related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song
‘fore you know it.

Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty . – - Thomas Jefferson


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Two young boys picked out a box of tampons …

Written by chuck on June 1, 2014 – 3:53 pm -

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”


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I won a Nigerian Lottery

Written by chuck on June 1, 2014 – 3:47 pm -

What a Deal!….I won a Nigerian Lottery according to an email
I just received from a Nigerian prince.
He holds a MILLION DOLLARS and he wants to send it to me FREE!

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And all I have to do is give him all my bank account numbers so he can transfer the money!

And then I got ANOTHER NOTICE. This one is from a KENYAN prince, and he wants to give me FREE healthcare for life!

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… and all I have to do is give him all my bank account numbers, MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER,

and MY CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION so he can make it happen!

Am I lucky, or what?


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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible …

Written by chuck on May 31, 2014 – 3:07 pm -

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he aw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

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Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.


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LARGEST POLICE BUST IN ARIZONA

Written by chuck on May 31, 2014 – 1:04 pm -


BREAKING NEWS

THE LARGEST POLICE BUST IN ARIZONA HISTORY

FOX NEWS CHANNEL TODAY REPORTED THE LARGEST POLICE BUST IN ARIZONA HISTORY….

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police bust

Well, what in the hell were you expecting from me, something serious?


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A woman who does not whine …

Written by chuck on May 30, 2014 – 5:13 pm -

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Woman in Hot Air Balloon

Written by chuck on May 30, 2014 – 8:50 am -

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

P R I C E L E S S!


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Mind Blowing Facts

Written by chuck on May 29, 2014 – 6:03 pm -

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

Written by chuck on May 29, 2014 – 8:06 am -

Are you wasting energy and money by washing in hot water?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied,

‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said,

‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’


Meet Coldwater!

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More Funny Stuff

Written by chuck on May 25, 2014 – 12:42 pm -

Well, the first one is NOT funny, but interesting.

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***** Key West Florida! *****
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old folks - Copy

lunch - Copy

good morning - Copy

coffee - Copy

chips

camping

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typical

Epic Facebook FAILS

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diapers

turned on

wash pan


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