Life as a Pilot
Stress management technique
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22 years old: Graduated from college. Go to military flight school. Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.
25 years old: Have 1st kid. Now hotshot fighter jock getting shot at in war. Just want to get back in one piece. Get back to USA as primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored. Volunteer for war again.
29 years old: Get back from war all tuckered out. Want out of military.
30 years old: Join airline. World is your oyster.
31 years old: Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the military poverty feeling.
32 years old: Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and maintenance.. Drink lots of booze and screw around while looking for 2nd wife.
33 years old: Furloughed. Join military Reserve unit and fly for fun. Repeat above for a few more years.
35 years old: Airline recall.. More screwing around but looking forward to a good marriage and settling down.
36 years old: Marry young spunky 25 year old flight attendant.
37 years old: Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.
38 years old: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father again. Wife concerned about “risky” military Reserve flying so you resign commission.
39 years old: Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small single engine airplane and even flashier cars.
42 years old: 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker but still wants to share house (100%).
43 years old: Settle with wife #2 and resolve to stay away from women forever. Seek a position as a check captain for 10% pay override to pay mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment with window air conditioners.
44 years old: Company resizes and you’re returned to copilot status..25% pay cut. Become simulator instructor for 10% override pay.
49 years old: Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment with central air conditioning
50 years old: Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She says she loves you forever!
51 years old: Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house, boat, twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.
52 years old: Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get vasectomy.
54 years old: Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she’s pregnant. She says she got sick after taking the pill. Accident, sorry, won’t happen again.
55 years old: Father of triplets.
56 years old: Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy cars, “worried” about your private flying and wants you to sell twin engine airplane. You give in. You buy a motorcycle and join motorcycle club.
57 years old: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for retirement.
59 years old: Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the IRS. You have to fly 100 international night trips just to keep up with child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.
65 years old: Wife #3 (sexy model) says you’re too damned old and no fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets. You’re forced to retire due to Age 65 rule. No money left.
66 years old: Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727 freight outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment directly underneath the final approach to runway 9 at Miami International. You have “interesting” Hispanic neighbors who ask you if you’ve ever flown DC-3′s.
67 years old: Lose FAA medical and get job as simulator instructor. Don’t look forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every God-forsaken town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find cheap, off-hours sim time at various Brand X Airlines.
70 years old: Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crew-member goes off at 1:00 AM. Have heart attack and die with smile on face. Happy at last!
Isn’t aviation great?
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In case you are having a rough day, here’s a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Democrat you are holding underwater.
See it worked. You’re smiling
DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this post. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.
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