Was a joke, a few short years ago…

Written by chuck on December 2, 2012 – 11:35 am -

A few years ago I got this as a joke. I said then it would come true. It has become true and is no longer a joke.

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to
sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a
special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift
exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that
$10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little
chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have
their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay
men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill
House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of
concerns about
confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for
short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am
sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure
taste a bite first. There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert
for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so
quaintly put it, and you’ll get your ****** salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them
scream right NOW! The rest of you ****** wierdos can kiss my ass. I
hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays! Joan


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