OUR LIGHTER SIDE 12/31/09
Written by chuck on December 30, 2009 – 10:30 pm -Happy New year!
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Lexophiles
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center
Nice bikini
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium atlarge.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat
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Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
“Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks, what?”
“SEX!!” he replies.
Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun
to your head! ”
I know, ” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while.
“Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, and then unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed,
Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around
the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with
another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold’s manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don’t have?”
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s”
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DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this newsletter. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.
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Adult Humor
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Thanks,
Chuck
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