OUR LIGHTER SIDE 5/28/2007
Written by chuck on May 27, 2007 – 9:30 pm -I hope everyone has a happy and safe Memorial Day!
Fresh Food
Mammorial Day
PLEASE watch the video on the Serious Side!
Fresh Food
I looked suspiciously at the soup I had just been served in an eatery way out-in-the-boonies. Calling the joint rustic would have been
charitable. The soup contained dark flecks of seasoning, but several of the specks appeared still alive.
“Hey,” i called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup aren’t they foreign objects?”
She called over to the table and scrutinized the soup bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured me,
“Those things sure do live around here.”
________________________
So as we enjoy our long holiday weekend, the history of Mammorial Day.
Mammorial Day – The celebration of female upper torso appreciation. Bosom Beauty.
Mammorial Day got its start during the reign of the Roman Empire. This was appropriate since all the women of the day looked like Sophia Loren. If you don’t believe me, just look at the art and the statues from that time period.
Of course, many of the statues depict woman without limbs, so one has to wonder if females that were the result of inbreeding were considered desirable? Or, were the Romans simply not “leg” men? Or, maybe they really liked the movie “Boxing Helena” and took things too far? Oh well, that’s another story.
In any event, it’s obvious that the women of the Roman Empire were stacked.
Mammorial refers to Mammary, or “Mam”. The origin of “Mam” is undoubtedly latin, the language spoken by the Romans before Mussolini forced them to learn Italian. The people under his rule ultimately rebelled against him and 5000 Italian rifle sharpshooters managed to plug him 22 times.
He died.
The first recorded use of the word Mam is found during the initial meeting between Roman Emperor Julius Caesar and Egyptian Queen Cleopatra. Cleopatra was knockdown, drag out gorgeous. After all she looked just like a young Liz Taylor.
Upon seeing her for the first time, Julius Caesar cried, “Mam a Mia! She’sa gotta sum setta rocks!!” Contrary to popular belief, Caesar did not have a British accent.
Mam a Mia translates from Latin, to “Mam of mine”. As these many hundreds of years have passed, the pronunciation changed with the influx of different cultures.
For example, The Roman Empire fell to the Greeks, led by Ulysses S. Grant, who was then defeated by the French and Napoleon Bonaparte at Watertown, New York, of all places.
After that, the Germans under Heinz the 57th, the Celtics led by Larry Bird (who later moved his people to Boston and became a basketball team), King Ihop’s Belgian Waffles, The Scots wearing kilts and no underwear – real men, The Welsh, the Irish, the Serbs led by Slcyzzobcyzzdin Mlcyzzvzzch, and a variety of other peoples trampled their way through the region leaving their mark and their own nuances to the Mammorial celebration tradition.
Ultimately, Mam a Mia, became Mammary , with a day set aside in its honor. Mammorial Day.
Anyway, enough of the word itself. Back to the history of the celebration.
The first of many “Mam a Mia” gatherings occurred when Cleopatra traveled to Rome with Julius Caesar. There they partook in an auspicious gathering at Caesar’s Palace. This was, of course, before it was relocated to Las Vegas.
There, some 300 virile Roman men glutted themselves on wine, grapes, roast boar with an apple in its mouth and of course, mammary. They spoke with grandiloquence (go ahead, look it up) about their conquests whilst being fanned with large palm leaves by women wrapped in white sheets.
This type of gathering later became known as a Bachelor Party.
During this first Mammorial gathering, Cleopatra enlightened the Roman men as to the mystic ways of the Egyptians, if ya know what I mean 
:)
Yeah, soon Roman men found themselves walking in cadence to music by the female rock group The Bangles with one arm in front of them, one arm in back, both crooked at right angles.
Man, they looked like idiots.
However, this tradition was later recreated and became popular among cocaine ventilated heads in the 1980s, as shown on MTV. What were YOU thinking???
After satisfying all 300 Roman men, Cleopatra took Julius Caesar to the master bedroom suite to make a little whoopie.
Afterwards, Caesar told Cleopatra to go fix him a sammich.
She did – Corned beef on rye with mustard – an import from the Hebrews.
Unbeknownst to Caesar, Cleo was in cahoots with Mark Antony (“Antneyâ€, if yer from NY), his best friend, to murder him in order to take over the rights to his patented salad and salad dressing. They both saw potential millions in that business and wanted it all to themselves.
So, on that fateful night of March 15th, it was not Cleopatra with a meatball sandwich in hand who moved quietly into the bedroom. Nooo, it was Saint Paddy himself, who one day would have a holiday named after him for leading a town full of rats into a lake while playing the flute. Cleo and Mark Antony (“Antney”, if yer from NY) had hired him to do the dirty deed of offing old Julius.
Saint Paddy cracked Caesar over the head with his shillelagh, which really hurt.
It also killed him.
Cleo and Mark Antony (“Antney”, if yer from NY) told Saint Paddy that his payment was a pot of gold to be found at the bottom of the morning rainbow, which they could see in the distance from Caesar’s window. Saint Paddy took swig from his flask, bid the two conspirators good day and pranced off to collect his loot.
What a maroon.
Of course, we all know that Mark Antony (“Antney” if yer from NY) and Cleopatra had a falling out. Yeah, this was right after the Romans, under the leadership of General Topo Gigio conquered Egypt and turned the Sphinx into a pizzeria and the Pyramids into water slides.
Topo Gigio was a gay man of small stature, a mouse really. He had a lover named “Eddie”. Many a night the Roman troops would hear General Gigio say to his lover from his tent, “Eddie…keese mee goo night!”.
Anyway, Queen Cleo was demoted from Queen of Egypt to head waitress of the Sphinx pizzeria. This made her mad.
Seems a frivolous reason to break up a relationship, to me, but I guess some people are just shallow.
We all know that Mark Antony (“Antney” if yer from NY) and the Roman Empire got theirs, too. Their new Emperor, Nero, thought he was just some ass kickin’ fiddle player.
Truth is? …he sucked.
One night, as he scraped his bow incessantly across his fiddle, creating an overabundance of horrible noises, the people of Rome stood in unison and torched the city to the ground. They moved to Nashville and lived happily ever after where they could enjoy the best fiddle playin’ in the world from the likes of Charlie Daniels and his band.
5000 Roman master archers put 22 arrows into Mark Antony (“Antney” if yer from NY) as he tried to escape the burning city.
He died.
Interesting how that parallels Mussolini, huh? Kinda like JFK and Lincoln.
Anyway, the Mammorial Celebrations continued through the centuries. During the middle ages, King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table led the Crusades through countries like Ireland, Germany, France, Spain, Italy, Czechoslovakia and the island of Figi.
The Mammorial Celebration was introduced to these people and centuries later when their descendants moved to Rikers Island…no wait…that’s Ellis Island. Rikers Island came later after they were convicted of coming here illegally… OOPS…I forgot. WE don’t DO that…anyway, when they got here, they carried the tradition with them.
Prior to that, the American Indians had a similar yearly event called the Celebration of Twin Tee-Pees, in honor of the Squaws that Gottem Heap Big Tah-Tahs.
As you might expect, the Puritans who lived on Plymouth Rock resisted becoming a part of what they considered to be a pagan practice.
The exception was a group of Massachusettsites?…Massachusettesians?…some people from Salem who mutated the celebration into burning buxom beauties at the stake, as witches. Soon the town was filled with nothing but rail thin, Ally McBeal types.
Men looking for women with a “little meat on the bones” were forced to go to Boston, where they frequented the houses of ill repute, looking for cleavage. They spent the rest of their time throwing crates of Earl Grey British tea off of boats into the harbor.
They later moved to Philadelphia, where they wrote the Declaration of Independence while continuing to frequent the local dens of iniquity. These forefathers became the example by which some of the future leaders of our country would follow.
As our country grew, the celebration has remained a mainstay. Only brief time periods when there was a fascination with Betty Grable’s legs and Betty Davis’ eyes, have seen the excitement of this tradition diminish.
Back in the fifties, Hugh Hefner dedicated a publication to Mammorial celebration, but named it Playboy, because he was afraid he’d be labeled a Communist by the Paul McCartney committee.
In modern day celebrations, huge crowds gather in large arenas to hear speeches by people like Mams Synonymous spokesperson Dolly Parton.
Yes, our society certainly has embraced this celebration, one that has a foundation going back thousands of years and has leaped many hurdles.
And let’s not forget Bob Hope’s final words , “Thanks For The Mammories”
So, anyway, that’s basically the scoop on Mammorial Day…
Copyright 1998 Glen Darling ( Used with permission)
________________________
PLEASE watch the video on the Serious Side!
Click here for Numbers USA!
**********************************
Electronic Repair Company
Quality service since 1972.
Stereo, turntable, band equipment, VCR etc.
**********************************
DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this newsletter. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.
—————
Adult Humor
—————
Our Lighter side is an electronic newsletter published five days a week and sent to you from Birmingham, AL.
Please tell your friends about OLS! Would your friends enjoy receiving “Our Lighter Side”?
Send them this address http://www.ourlighterside.com
Please send jokes and stuff to: E-mail OLS
Thanks,
Chuck
Posted in Ourlighterside - R rated | Comments Off
Sorry, comments for this entry are closed at this time.